I experienced this deep level of repentance during my trip to Brazil in June of 2004. This was a significant time for me, because it was on the first night of that trip that the LORD revealed to me the vision that I have been declaring to the churches and pastors in Brazil since that date, namely that God is raising up the saints of Brazil to lead the western world in sending forth missionaries to the four corners of the world.
The response to that vision and the interpretation and the exhortation that following was almost, wonderfully, overwhelming! It was one of the greatest spiritual “highs” of my 32 years of ministry. In spite of that, however, this was the trip that I have dubbed “The Trip of Tears!”
Beginning that very night, after going to sleep happy and contented, I was awakened two hours late with the intense, powerful presence of God commanding to repent of a sin that I had committed many years before. Lest you misunderstand me here or jump to any hasty conclusions, allow me to assure you that this was not a grievous sin, or so I thought. No, this was something that I had said to a Brother several years before that I know wounded him, that hurt his feelings. I had repented of that sin, however, and I had asked his forgiveness, and I had believed that it was “under the blood” and dropped into the “sea of God’s forgetting,” you see.
At this moment in time, however, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that I had thought of and dealt with this offense as if it were a minor offense. Now, in stark contrast, the Spirit of God allowed me to see this sin from His perspective. I saw my words going into this Brother’s heart like a knife! I saw it revealed as an outright assault against one created in the image and likeness of our Father, and I felt, for the first time, what it truly means to grieve the Holy Spirit.
That grieving was translated into my body and into my spirit with such a burning agony, such a devastating pain that I began to cry out to the LORD! At this precise moment, however, I was acutely aware of the fact that I was sleeping in a young boy’s bedroom of my host family, right next to the bedroom of the parents and also of the young brother that was so honored to have the “prophet of God” bless his bedroom by sharing it with me. I knew that I would awaken and startle everyone in the house if I were to cry out with the volume of my voice that would be commensurate with the pain I felt welling up within me. I would have been wailing, even screaming, with the anguish I was feeling so deeply, deep within the core of my being!
Therefore, I grabbed the pillow and bit down upon it, crying and shaking with remorse the likes of which I had never before known in my life! Waves of deep, deep repentance swept over me, and I wept and cried out to the LORD for His release and forgiveness, for deep spiritual healing. I expressed to Him how deeply I regretted wounding my brother, yes, of wounding my Father in so doing!
To make a long story short, I fell asleep just before dawn, lying on the floor in the fetal position with the pillow still stuffed in my mouth. Forty five minutes later I was abruptly awakened by the LORD, for it was time to shower and dress and pray to begin the new day of ministry.
In Matthew 6, when Jesus instructed His disciples that when they were fasting, they were not to wear long faces in order to get the sympathy or approval of men (which would be their reward), but they were to wash their faces, anoint their heads with oil and fast privately as unto the LORD in order that they might receive their reward, in secret, from Him. Likewise, in this instance, I felt the LORD was warning me not to let anyone know what I had experienced.
Physically exhausted and emotionally drained, I was to wear a bright countenance and trust Him for the strength that I needed to function with His anointing which He surely did provide, Bless His Holy Name!
Thinking that I had passed some kind of test, I was totally unprepared for a repeat performance of God’s searing, chastening hand upon me the second night, then the third night, and on and on, night after night, as He broke me, humbled me, disciplined me and taught me the true meaning of true repentance. Only by His grace was I able to function in ministry for that grueling three week ministry trip, but grace He did supply, sufficient for every need of every moment.
I will never be the same! ~ and for that, I bow my knees in worship and thank Him every day. Little did I know, though, that this was only the first lesson of three.
(to be continued . . . .)
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